Emotional Kidnapping

“Graffiti,” La Candelaria, Bogotá, Colombia

Picture taken by Jonathan Acuña (2018) 

Emotional Kidnapping

Are we ready to provide employee feedback?

         How important is employee feedback? Well, it is especially important! All of us in a leadership position need to understand that “Employee feedback is any information exchanged by employees (formally or informally) regarding their performance, skills, or ability to work within a team” (Robinson, 2019). On the other hand, as stated by Lewin (2020), all our decisions are based on our emotions. But if one is not even-tempered when a feedback session is held with a team member, what can be bound to happen at any moment?

         Not being even-tempered during a employee feedback session can lead to undesired repercussions. A feedback session “represents a make-or-break situation. When done right, feedback can greatly improve engagement and productivity and boost team spirit” (Tšernov, 2020). If done while being emotionally-kidnapped by one’s anger, one will end up harming a team member rather than helping this person improve his/her work performance. If we understand employee feedback as “information given about a person’s actions at work, to be used as a guide for future improvement” (Croswell, n.d.), one’s social intelligence is the one thing that must prevail at all times, and one’s emotions must be subdued by our equanimity. If now subdued, it is better to reschedule the feedback meeting later on.

         Equanimity is just one component to bear in mind when one gets together with a team member for feedback. Cherry & Morin (2020), as well as Lewin (2020), mention the importance of the 5 componets of one’s emotional intelligence before an employee feedback meeting takes place. Lewin (2020) emphasizes the importance of comprehending the fact that one has to control one’s emotions to use them in one’s favor. For this reason during a work session with a team member one has to be self-aware of one’s emotional surroundings. This will allow to know one’s own mood and measure one’s emotional strengths and weaknesses (Gallaudet University, n.d.). Also, in this type of meetings, one has to be self-regulated to know how to handle upset feelings. Handling one’s emotions can help us calm oneself, control one’s impulses, stay positive, and be flexible when necessary. With all these, a leader is demonstrating his/her inter and intrapersonal skills to deal with personnel.

Continuing with Lewin’s (2020) ideas, one has to use social skills when meeting with people for employee feedback, too, to get along with peers and foster teamwork. One has to make and keep friends with one’s partners because this will help to solve problems and conflicts with others interacting professionally with them despite one’s anger (Gallaudet University, n.d.). One has to make use of empathy to be able to read and comprehend one’s peers’ feelings during feedback meetings. Being empathic can help in reading body language, taking another’s perspective, and helping others who find themselves hurt or sad (Gallaudet University, n.d.). And finally, one has to make use of motivation to set one’s own goals and work to achieve them along with the rest of the team. All this will help to continue to work despite frustration and to follow through and finish one’s tasks. And it also has to be utilized with peers to help them improve in areas where the team needs to catch up with the organization’s current challenges.

There is more to pay attention to when providing feedback to peers to avoid any sort of emotional kidnapping. As Lewin (2020) asserts, everything in an individual conveys messages, and this bears consequences. And for this reason, we need to find out what lies behind peers’ emotions. As explained by Lewin (2020), -see picture above-, there is more to be aware of when having an employee feedback session. Based on the illustration used by Lewin in her Escuela para Directores (which has been translated here into English), people can be compared to an iceberg; the only thing one gets to see are observable conducts. The hefty question then is, what underlies below the surface? Based on Lewin’s illustration, a whole unknown set of pieces of a person’s individuality and personality lies there, rather dormant and ready to wake up in any moment when getting feedback in a hostile environment where the leader can be emotionally-kidnapped by his/her own emotions.

“When we think about giving someone feedback, we often think of it in terms of positive and negative. However, there’s a new way to think about this distinction: reinforcing or redirecting” (Croswell, n.d.). In the absence of feedback, an employee may think that what s/he is doing is OK; the person will not explore alternative ways of doing things (Lewin, 2020). Employees react towards their leader; if they are not motivated, the reason may lie on the fact that there is no positive reaction to the team leader’s management (Lewin, 2020). Straigthening this relationship leader-team member aided by equanimity, social skills, and what lies behind one’s or/and one’s peer’s emotions is a must. Maintaining our emotions under control will avoid any kind of emotional kidnapping when talking to our peers about their performance and areas where one sees them improving to cope with the organization’s current needs.

As a final remark, “employee recognition plays a huge part of boosting performance and maintaining high levels of engagement” (Tšernov, 2020). If people are performing well, one has to tell them. There is no need to sugarcoat one’s compliments if someone in one’s team is doing something right. In a team every member should be able to determine what is the minimum standard one hastto achieve in one’s job, but as a leader one can also tell them what is desireable, too. A connection with the team members need to be established. For this reason it is important to let one’s peers know we are all on the same team. This is not about the leader vs. the team; this is about “you + them vs. [any] issue” (Robinson, 2019) that may arise and that needs to be fixed as a team. Under these work circumstances no such thing as emotional kidnapping will prevail in the office environment and feedback will flow smoothly at all times.

 

References

Cherry, K., & Morin, A. (2020, January 24). 5 Components of Emotional Intelligence. Retrieved August 22, 2020, from VeryWellMind.Com: https://www.verywellmind.com/components-of-emotional-intelligence-2795438

Croswell, A. (n.d.). Employee Feedback Examples for Development and Evaluation. Retrieved August 22, 2020, from CultureAmpCom: https://www.cultureamp.com/blog/employee-feedback-examples/#:~:text=Employee%20feedback%20is%20information%20given,a%20guide%20for%20future%20improvement.&text=Here%2C%20we%20provide%20examples%20of,in%20mind%20when%20giving%20feedback.

Gallaudet University. (n.d.). 5 Dimensions of Emotional Intelligence Self-Awareness. Retrieved August 22, 2020, from Gallaudet.Edu: https://www3.gallaudet.edu/documents/clerc/41-FiveDimensions.doc

Lewin, L. (2020, August 18). Inteligencia Emocional & Personalidades Conflictivas. Escuela para Directivos. Buenos Aires, Argentina.

Robinson, E. (2019, July 10). Why employee feedback is important + how to give and receive it. Retrieved August 22, 2020, from Hotjar.Com: https://www.hotjar.com/blog/employee-feedback/#:~:text=Employee%20feedback%20is%20any%20information,a%20stronger%2C%20more%20harmonious%20workplace.

Tšernov, K. (2020). Employee Feedback: Why It Matters and How to Use It. Retrieved August 22, 2020, from WeekDone.Com: https://hrdailyadvisor.blr.com/2018/10/02/how-the-halo-effect-impacts-your-workplace/#:~:text=The%20halo%20effect%20refers%20to,perceive%20almost%20everything%20they%20do.&text=It%20could%20be%20that%20the,before%20even%20meeting%20the%20individual.

 

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